


I ALMOST NEARLY DIED!!!!!!!!!! *not clickbait*

by indefensibleselfindulgence



Series: 15 Totally Terrific Tips To Texting... TODAY! [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Typical Weirdness, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Emotional Manipulation, Epistolary, F/F, Flirting, M/M, Nightmares, Other, Texting, Trapped, implied horror, no beta's we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-08 18:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18628918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indefensibleselfindulgence/pseuds/indefensibleselfindulgence
Summary: 🌀: wHaT dO yOu CalL iT wHeN wOrMs TaKe OvEr ThE wOrLd?Jonathan Sims: Wrong Number. Again.🌀: it's really hard to type with my hands please play along with my joke it's all i have





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> whats up its ya boi back at it again with this Nightmare

👩: ଘ꒰ ๑ ˃̶ ᴗ ᵒ̴̶̷๑꒱و ̑̑  
  
🕸️: already  
  
🧑🏻: \ \ \٩(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و/ / /  
  
🕸️: im only doublechecking cause I asked you an hour ago   
  
🧑🏽: ヽ/❀o ل͜ o\ﾉ  
  
🕸️: is that one more aggressive intentionally   
  
🧑🏿: ⁽⁽◞(꒪ͦᴗ̵̍꒪ͦ=͟͟͞͞ ꒪ͦᴗ̵̍꒪ͦ)◟⁾⁾  
  
🕸️: okay jesus   
  


* * *

  
  
Tim: ready champ?   
  
Martin: I just want to check one more thing, and then I'll tell him. After I hand the report in.   
  
Tim: sure sure, full faith.   
  
Martin: You think I'm going to not do it.  
  
Tim: I Mean, it's  not like its the first time we've had this talk is all   
  
Martin: I'll tell him. It's not even that hard, really.   
  
Tim: uh huh  
  
Martin: Just a quick- Hey Jon, drinks tomorrow? Really like your company. And that's it.   
  
Tim: how long did you practice that in front of a mirror last night.   
  
Martin: I'm going to do my research now.   
  
Tim: sure martin.   
  
Martin: You know what!  
  
Tim: ?   
  
Martin: Ten quid says I'll ask him.   
  
Tim: i never say no to free money.   
  
Martin: >: (   
  
Tim: good luck with research.   
  


* * *

  
  
👁️: God, he's so sad.   
  
   : The Archivist?   
  
👁️: No. Jon's fine. Better then fine.   
  
   : Do we have to do this every time Elias?   
  
👁️: I'm talking about his assistant.   
  
   : Funny way to spell cannon fodder.   
  
👁️: Wow.   
  
   : What?   
  
👁️: I forgot you can be funny on occasion.   
  


* * *

  
🕸️: hey  
  
⚰️: Yes  
  
🕸️: i need a favor  
  
⚰️: What favor  
  
🕸️: hmmm idk if i should ask you for it tho  
  
⚰️: You already texted me  
  
🕸️: im indecisive  
  
⚰️: You're really not  
  
🕸️: hmmmm  
  
🕸️: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
  
🕸️: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
  
⚰️: I know we both have all the time in the world, spiritually, but I personally would like to get on with my day  
  
🕸️: you're not friends with desolation right   
  
⚰️: not personally no   
  
🕸️: so if i asked you really nicely to make a delivery would you   
  
⚰️: do it yourself  
  
🕸️: this is why you dont have friends

* * *

  
  
👨🏻:  (๑ ؔؖؕ◉͠ ◡͐ ◉ؕؔؕؖ͠)ノ  
  
🐛: BBBUUUSSSYYY  
  
👨🏽: 。：゜(；´∩｀；)゜：。  
  


* * *

  
  
🕸️: could you do me a favor  
  
🥩: WHAT  
  
🕸️: could you give the cult something  
  
🥩: WHICH ONE  
  
🕸️: desolation  
  
🥩: NO  
  
🕸️: can you tell oliver to give desolation something?  
  
🥩: FINE  
  
🕸️: good boy  
  


* * *

  
  
🕸️: correct me if i'm wrong but you owe me a favor  
  
👁️: You're wrong.  
  
🕸️: hows the husband  
  
👁️: You were invited to the divorce.   
  
🕸️: must have got lost in the mail.   
  
🕸️: hey while I have you on the line  
  
🕸️: could you find something for me  
  
🕸️: someone rather  
  
🕸️: i want to make someone cry   
  
🕸️: and i feel like you're into that  
  
🕸️: spiritually  
  
🕸️: or sexually  
  
🕸️: i don't judge  
  
👁️: And the point?   
  
🕸️: where is desolation hiding these days  
  
👁️: We both know they don't hide. You know better then I do that they don't Hide.   
  
🕸️: well where are they that its hard for me to find them   
  
👁️: Oh losing our touch?   
  
🕸️: you're hilarious.   
  
👁️: Up north, running favors for the mannequin.   
  
🕸️: danke  
  
👁️: Funny.   
  


* * *

  
  
🥩: SHE WANTS A FAVOR  
  
⚰️: She already asked me I said no   
  
🥩: AND THEN SHE ASKED ME TO ASK YOU   
  
⚰️: So I'm being threatened  
  
🥩: SHE JUST SAID TO ASK   
  
⚰️: I noticed  
  


* * *

  
  
⚰️: Where do you want your delivery  
  
🕸️: how did i know you were going to come around  
  
⚰️: Where do you want your delivery  
  
🕸️: so tense all the time  
  
🕸️: loosen up oli  
  
⚰️: Where  
  
🕸️: just up north a little   
  
⚰️: Why are you hounding me for this  
  
🕸️: because jude can't kill you when she finds out   
  
⚰️: Great  
  


* * *

  
  
   : Elias, just letting you know I'm going to be out of port soon.   
  
👁️: Oh and then I'll have to agonize all on my own is that what you're saying?   
  
   : Just letting you know I'll be out of range for a while.   
  
👁️: That's fine.   
  
   : Right.   
  
👁️: I wouldn't want you to think that I wanted to have conversations with you regularly.   
  
   : Of Course Not.  
  
👁️: Considering the divorce.   
  
   : Yes dear.   
  


* * *

  
  
Tim: how's research going?   
  


* * *

  
  
⚰️: Hey  
  
🌩: Hello.   
  
⚰️: Could you give Jude something   
  
🌩: Sure?   
  
⚰️: Thank you   
  
🌩: I don't know where she is?   
  
⚰️: In the North probably closest fire  
  
🌩: That's. I mean, yeah. Sure. What's the delivery?   
  
⚰️: Don't know yet  
  
🌩: Ominous  
  
⚰️: On brand if nothing else  
  


* * *

  
  
Sasha: Jon, do you know where #0150409 's supplemental material is?   
  
Jonathan Sims: I returned it into the box it's meant to be in after recording the statement, why?   
  
Sasha: Can't find it and wanted to cross reference something. Do you still have the recording?   
  
Jonathan Sims: Let me check.   
  
Jonathan Sims: Sasha?   
  
Sasha: Yeah?   
  
Jonathan Sims: Why didn't you just come one door over and ask me in person?   
  
Sasha: Walking's really hard boss.   
  


* * *

  
  
👨🏿: ( ⓥωⓥ) still busy???  
  
🐛: YYYEEESSS  
  
👩🏼: (⊙.☉)7

* * *

  
  
🕸️: its a negligee   
  
⚰️: Excuse me  
  
🕸️: the thing im making you deliver  
  
🕸️: it's a negligee  
  
⚰️: Why  
  
🕸️: cause I found it while digging through my basement and I figure jude would want it back  
  
🕸️: really if anything i'm doing her a favor  
  
⚰️: Is this Agnes'   
  
🕸️: lmao   
  
🕸️: yeah obvi  
  
🕸️: why do you think i'm making you do it  
  
⚰️: And I'm the one with out friends?   
  
🕸️: i've got so many   
  
🕸️: i'm practically drowning in them   
  
⚰️: you're not funny  
  
🕸️: like that one time you drowned   
  
🕸️: get it  
  
⚰️: I was there  
  
🕸️: **< 3**  
  


* * *

  
  
⚰️: Are you going to think I'm weird  
  
🌩: Depends.   
  
⚰️: It's a dead girl's nightgown  
  
🌩: Then yes.   
  
⚰️: Figures  
  


* * *

  
  
Tim: that deep in the research huh?  
  
Martin: Sorry. Got distracted. Feeling sick- Might miss work. Tomorrow.   
  
Tim: hey, that's fine. you don't have to pay me. I wasn't going to make you.  
  
Martin: Thank you. I am sick though. Fever.   
  
Tim: oh uh okay. that sucks. feel better soon.  
  
Martin: Yes.  
  


* * *

  
  
🌩: Weird dirty deed done.   
  
⚰️: Thank you   
  
🌩: Is it a you thing or?   
  
⚰️: No not really  
  
🌩: Oh. You should have told me.   
  
⚰️: Would you have done it  
  
🌩: Hey, fair.  
  
⚰️: Sorry for being vague about it  
  
🌩: It's not the end of the world. I am sending her in your direction, if she gets mad at me. 

⚰️: She will  
  
🌩: That's rough buddy.  
  


* * *

 

  
⚰️: Done  
  
🕸️: thank you oli   
  
⚰️: And if she asks  
  
🕸️: thank you for that too bud   
  
🕸️: real team player  
  
🕸️: real sport  
  
⚰️: Ugh  
  


* * *

  
  
Martin: Sick.   
  
Jonathan Sims: Stay home tomorrow then. I'll let Elias know.   
  
Martin: Thank you.   
  


* * *

  
Martin: [ **Sent Location** ]  
  
Martin: WWWAAANNNTTT TTTOOO CCCEEELLLEEEBBBRRRAAATTTEE???  
  
👩🏾: ¿(❦﹏❦)?  
  
Martin: :::)))  
  
👦: omg (╯✧∇✧)╯omg   
  
Martin: :::DDD  
  
👧🏻: i'm so proud!!!!!!!!!! ~(≧◇≦)/ﾞﾞﾞﾞ  
  
Martin: TTTHHHAAANNNKKK YYYOOOUUU  
  
👧🏼: you're really starting yours! I'm so jealous!!! (ٛɲ˃ ˑ̣̮ ˂ٛɳ)  
  
Martin: HHHAAAHHHAAA  
  
👧🏽: i'll be over really soon ♬♪♫ ヾ(*・。・)ﾉ ♬♪♫  
  
Martin: ♬♪♫♬♪♫♬♪♫  
  
👧🏾: ♪₊(˘ᵋॢ ˘ॢ⌯)*·♫  
  


* * *

  
  
🌀: wHaT dO yOu CalL iT wHeN wOrMs TaKe OvEr ThE wOrLd?   
  
Jonathan Sims: Wrong Number. Again.   
  
🌀: it's really hard to type with my hands please play along with my joke its all i have  
  
Jonathan Sims: [ **Is Typing** ]   
  
Jonathan Sims: Fine. What?   
  
🌀: gLoBaL wOrMinG !  
  
Jonathan Sims: I'm blocking you.   
  
🌀: **D:**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan Sims: What, no new joke this time?
> 
> 🌀: yOu DoN't LiKe ThEm
> 
> Jonathan Sims: You don't have to type like that.
> 
> 🌀: mY bRaNd, ArChIvIsT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> putting in the emojis really takes up to much of my time

Sasha: Still sick?  
  
Tim: wasn't to start??  
  
Sasha: Not you, Martin!  
  
Tim: oh, yeah I guess. poor guy.  
  
Sasha: I could bring something over maybe?  
  
Tim: fever and a stomach bug. don't really think he'd be wild about it  
  
Sasha: Yikes !  
  
Tim: very yikes. but hey he gets to sit home and we get to read all day  
  
Sasha: Spoken like a person who's only upset he can't read all day on his couch.  
  
Tim: my couch is very comfortable, i'll have you know  
  
Sasha: Oh, sure.  
  
Tim: you should come over some time  
  
Sasha: To see how comfortable your couch is.  
  
Tim: unless, of course, you'd like to come over for another reason.  
  
Sasha: I can think of at least a few better then your couch.  
  
Tim: oh dare i say i'm being flirted with? and in the workplace! scandalized!  
  
Sasha: Going to faint?  
  
Tim: i just might, my suitor might be just to charming to bare  
  
Sasha: And me with out my smelling salts.  
  
Tim: i see we are all woefully underprepared to day  
  
Sasha: Solidarity.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
🌩️: So.  
  
⚰️: Mm  
  
🌩️: Holding up?  
  
⚰️: I can't feel anything  
  
🌩️: Did she find you already?  
  
⚰️: Annabelle is out of town  
  
🌩️: Jude.  
  
⚰️: Oh no just a nightmare  
  
🌩️: Those are that bad for you?  
  
⚰️: Its something like well

🌩️: Take your time.  
  
⚰️: You don't like being restrained right  
  
🌩️: I'd argue I'm diametrically opposed to it, yes.  
  
⚰️: Imagine you're restrained by thousands of vines and every vine is covered in thorns and they're trying to crush you to the bed and some of them get in your mouth and press you down even harder from the inside until your lungs are bleeding and you're choking on your own blood  
  
🌩️: Jesus.  
  
⚰️: And imagine that even if you somehow manage to get away from them they follow you no matter where you go and you're an idiot for thinking the ones in your flat were bad because at least the ones in your flat were thin and small and not vines the size of buildings  
  
🌩️: Christ  
  
⚰️: So I'm not doing great.  
  
🌩️: You get these a lot?  
  
⚰️: Every day  
  
🌩️: Oh.  
  
⚰️: They've gotten worse lately probably because of her  
  
🌩️: Jude?  
  
⚰️: Annebelle  
  
  


* * *

  
  
Martin: Sick.  
  
Jonathan Sims: When are you anything else.  
  
Martin: … … …  
  
Jonathan Sims: It's fine. I'll tell Elias.  
  
Martin: Thank you.  
  


* * *

  
  
Jonathan Sims: He's sick again. Or still, rather.  
  
Elias Bouchard: I would assume as much, considering he is not here.  
  
Jonathan Sims: I don't suppose it's to early to start looking for someone else?  
  
Elias Bouchard: He has all his sick days Jon. It's not my fault he doesn't use them.  
  
Jonathan Sims: Right.  
  
Elias Bouchard: Anything else?  
  
Jonathan Sims: Actually- I was wondering if you knew if Robinson had any sort of organizational plan somewhere? Maybe she passed it on to you and you forgot?  
  
Elias Bouchard: Does that sound like something I would do?  
  
Jonathan Sims: I feel like the longer I look at the stacks of boxes the more I lose my mind.  
  
Elias Bouchard: Oh I'm sure that couldn't be further from the truth Jon.  
  


* * *

  
🔥: wwhere is he  
  
🌩️: Wouldn't know, actually.  
  
🔥: then i'm findding you  
  
🌩️: That's fine.  
  
🔥: why would you go along with this?  
  
🌩️: It's not like it was his idea.  
  
🔥: oh?? who's idea was it to remind me of the one person I was in love wi  
  
🔥: oh.  
  
🌩️: I don't know how you didn't figure that one out yourself.  
  
🔥: hey mike?  
  
🌩️: Yeah? 

🔥: go fuuck yourself.  
  


* * *

  
  
   : Back.  
  
👁️: Welcome home.  
  
   : Oh.  
  
👁️: What.  
  
   : You haven't said that to me in a while, that's all.  
  
👁️: I can't begin to imagine what you mean. 

* * *

  
  
🔥: give me her number.  
  
⚰️: Whos  
  
🔥: don't be stupid.  
  
⚰️: I found it while I was cleaning a house out  
  
🔥: why would you do that??  
  
⚰️: Didn't want any trace left  
  
🔥: listen kid I know wee don't get along or talk or whatever but give me her number  
  
⚰️: Uh no  
  
🔥: are you serious  
  
⚰️: She knows where I am  
  
🔥: and  
  
⚰️: And you don't  
  
🔥: look  
  
⚰️: I'd rather not

* * *

  
  
⚰️: She's mad  
  
🕸️: oh great!!!  
  
🕸️: did she cry?  
  
🕸️: does it sound like she cried  
  
🕸️: i really really really want to know that she cried  
  
⚰️: She sounds very mad  
  
🕸️: oh she defo cried !!!  
  
🕸️: you're the greatest oli!!!  
  
⚰️: She wants your number  
  
🕸️: and you're being a very good boy  
  
🕸️: and not giving it to her right  
  
⚰️: Yeah  
  
🕸️: you're a saint oli  
  


* * *

  
  
⚰️: Can you do skin grafts  
  
🥩: DO YOU WANT IT DONE WELL OR DO YOU WANT IT DONE  
  
⚰️: Great options  
  
🥩: IF YOU WANT IT DONE WELL BOTHER THE DOLL  
  
⚰️: God my day just gets better and better  
  
🥩: SHE USUALLY WANTS A BODY TO BORROW THE SKIN FROM TOO  
  
⚰️: Fantastic  
  


* * *

  
🔥: how long do you want to wait kid  
  
⚰️: I need to find a body first  
  
🔥: what  
  
⚰️: For when you set me on fire  
  
🔥: you're not fun to threaten you know that? i just feel kind of bad for you  
  
⚰️: I'm not giving you her number  
  
🔥: go find a body kid  
  


* * *

  
  
🔥: hi elias  
  
👁️: Hello Jude.  
  
🔥: where is she elias  
  
👁️: Who's that Jude?  
  
🔥: annabelle, elias.  
  
👁️: Not familiar, Jude.  
  
🔥: is your ex on land elias?  
  
👁️: I'm not his keeper Jude.  
  
🔥: so yes?  
  
👁️: Yesterday, yes. 

* * *

  
  
🔥: you wouldn't bbelieve the amount of effort it took to find you.  
  
🕸️: aww who squealed???  
  
🔥: you're friends with cowards.  
  
🕸️: lmao  
  
🕸️: you think they're my friends  
  
🕸️: cute  
  
🔥: look, i'm being nice.  
  
🕸️: scary  
  
🔥: i won't kill all your bugs  
  
🕸️: cute  
  
🔥: i'll even let you keep your fucked up face  
  
🕸️: haha and then what  
  
🔥: leave the dead kid alone  
  
🕸️: aww  
  
🕸️: he's my secret weapon  
  
🕸️: everyone feels too bad for him to do anything  
  
🕸️: but he's fine he's sturdy  
  
🕸️: you can set him on fire and he'll just get back up again  
  
🕸️: you should  
  
🕸️: he screams real cute  
  
🔥: is every conversation with you this ddisgusting?  
  
🕸️: learn to live a little babe!  
  
🕸️: but i mean  
  
🕸️: ya  
  
🕸️ it's kind of my job you know  
  
🕸️: why don't you go do yours and set oli on fire  
  
🔥 i mean i could, but where's the fun in that. Especially when i know where You are  
  
🕸️: could have lead with that

🔥: yeah well. i learned to live a little

* * *

  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: oi order's important hope  
  
📦: apologies.  
  
🚚: i'll just keep going then  
  
📦: very right of you breakon  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  
🚚: 💗  
  
📦: 💓  
  


* * *

  
  
Martin: Keep him. We have had our fun. He will want to see it when the Archivist's crimson fate arrives.  
  
Jonathan Sims: Thank you. For. that.  
  


* * *

  
🌀: hEy  
  
Jonathan Sims: I blocked you.  
  
🌀: new phone  
  
Jonathan Sims: What, no new joke this time?  
  
🌀: yOu DoN't LiKe ThEm  
  
Jonathan Sims: You don't have to type like that.

🌀: mY bRaNd, ArChIvIsT

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always encouraged and very very very appreciated
> 
> yell[ at me here](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/) [ or here](https://twitter.com/licotain)


End file.
